Who's that dirty topless woman??

and not the good kind of dirty and topless....
Oh wait, it's me!

Things "They" Don't Tell You About Having a Newborn (or that they tell you but you just can't appreciate until you live it)

• A good day is one in which you shower and brush your teeth before 3pm
• A great day is one in which you wash your hair and/or shave in said shower
• Your favorite perfumes are replaced with Eau de Sour Milk
• There's no point in wearing a shirt, much less a bra, since it has to come up or off what seems like every half hour.
• Doggie daycare will save your sanity
• You will barely resist the urge to hurl your constantly meowing cat out the window
• There's nothing sexier than seeing the man you love holding your new baby
• Too bad you can't do anything about it since he is in fact holding a baby and you smell like sour milk and haven't shaved in days
• There's nothing glamourous about motherhood, at least so far (see above)
• While you have grown this baby inside you, she is still a stranger that you have to get to know
• Motherhood hones your songwriting ability. For example, here's our swaddling song:

"I'm cooking up a baby burrito

Wrap her up from head to toe

We cuddle and we snuggle 'cause we love her so

love our baby burrito"

And our gas-alleviating song for tummy massages:

(in a military march style)

"1, 2, 3, 4

Get that toot out my back door

Get that gas

Get that gas

Outta my ass

Outta my ass" (yeah, I know, it's awful, I'm sleep deprived.)

• While it's great and all that breastfeeding burns so many calories, you'll be so hungry that you can easily eat enough to compensate for all those extra burned calories.
• You will not hesitate to catch pee and spit up with your hand
• You can't have too many burp cloths
• A good night's sleep is anything over 2 consecutive hours
• Gowns are much better than any kind of clothes you have to snap in the middle of the night
• All the cliches are true: they grow so fast, you'll never know love like the love you feel for your child, you'll get no sleep, having a child is like having a piece of your heart existing outside your body

In all seriousness, being a mom is the greatest thing I've ever experienced and I am so in love with her. It's hard, all-consuming and exhausting, but of course that's to be expected. She was a month old yesterday, and while it feels like it has gone by so fast, it also feels like this little person has always been in my heart. It's something I've always known I wanted and to be able to have her and share that with Richars is such a blessing.

I go Monday for my 6 week check-up, although it'll only be 5 weeks. My doctor is going out of town so we bumped the appointment up. Hopefully I'll get the go ahead to start working out again! Rich has been going running and taking Lucy and I'm ready to get back out there with them.

Happy Friday!